The Future is Knobs

Every once in a great while, proscribed information inadvertently slips past the Ministry of Truth. Buried in an obscure website devoted to an ancient video game system, I have discovered programming prophecy. Behold:

At last, our future laid bare. Knobs. Shiny metal knobs! Of course! (I knew keyboards and mice were a fad.) Two large ones. Two small ones. A smaller one to your right, attached to, uhm, orange bubbles.

Initially I dismissed knobs as too complicated for everyday programming. However Future People discovered a glorious solution: cheat shirts that illustrate which way to turn the knob. Genius. That halves knobs' inherent complexity.

(We also learn Future Knobs must all be turned counter-clockwise. Apparently Australia conquers the world in 2038. Note to self: be nice to Quinn.)

Who needs 30" dual flat screens when you have arrays of blue lights? Metal collars and sleeves became trendy again after the maglev disaster of 2046, more proof there's no such thing as bad publicity. Future People also finally make computer programming easy. Is there nothing knobs can't do?

There's further insight nestled behind the "Special Edition" banner:

People of the future enjoy displaying their heart rate on large LED displays to all who walk past the front of their desk. You may argue that number is too high for a resting heart rate. To which I respond: hey, they're in the future! They're excited like all the time!

In conclusion, even Future People with Mustaches still enjoy their iPods. It's good to know some things never change.

Monday, September 26, 2005
12:00 AM