I almost ran over Steve Jobs

When I spent a little time in Cupertino circa Spring 2005, I noticed a funny thing: there was no Steve Jobs.

I’d ask at lunch “Hey, have you seen SJ? Because I haven’t, and last I checked he’s supposed to work here.” With alarming synchronization, the guys at the table would all reply, “Oh, he was just here!”

This happened a bunch of times, both with groups and individuals (“Oh, I just saw him in the hallway!”). My suspicions grew to the point I confronted them:

“Level with me: SJ doesn’t really exist, does he? That’s some sort of advanced muppet on stage at WWDC and on the cover of Time.”

Tidily, this would also explain why it’s hard to get a good seat at the WWDC keynote. They don’t want outsiders sitting too close to see the sticks tied to SJ’s “hands” to make them move. I peg Hank Azaria for the voice.

It was only a little while later I received verification that Steve does, in fact, exist. That was when I came close to hitting him with my rental car.

I was coming out of the parking lot on Monday March 7th around 6pm*, shooting down Infinite Loop. I think I was looking down at the unfamiliar window switches to get them down, I look up and notice two guys deep in conversation starting to traverse the crosswalk towards IL1.

“Oh look, it’s Phil Schiller with some old guy!” But uh-oh, dead-ahead and coming up fast.

Well, not a problem, cars these days have feature called a brake — a means of slowing (even stopping!) the vehicle sans external impact. If you haven’t opted for this feature yet I highly recommend it — it will pay for itself in fender repair bills alone.

It took a second for the pattern recognition to kick in, but I realized “the old guy” was SJ himself. It was around the time of SJ’s pancreatic cancer scare, so to that I attribute his hoary appearance. He’s looking better nowadays (best I can tell from the back of the WWDC keynotes).

In emergency mode with sloppy aiming, as I went to stomp the brake pedal, the right side of my foot squarely caught the unfamiliar car’s accelerator as well. That’s right: I hit both the brake and the gas while I was trying to stop.

I hope it’s the case with all cars that when you press both pedals equally simultaneously, The Brake Wins. That’s what happened in this case, albeit with an undesired effect: the car went further than I wished it had, and the engine revved loudly, menacingly.

From Phil+SJ’s point of view, I’m sure it seemed like an adolescent joke. Remember that kid in grade school who’d throw a punch at your face but stop just short of your nose, all to elicit a flinch response? Yeah, like that.

If there was a highlight to this entire affair, it was The Glare. After reaching a complete stop with the engine still revving, SJ looked behind Phil’s head to shoot a furrowed-brow glare at me.

I know I’m not the first to catch The Glare. I also know I’m not the last. Still, what they say is true: you don’t forget your first SJ Angry Glare.

* I’m able to mostly pinpoint this date because of my cell phone logs. I called my sister and asked her, “Guess who I almost ran over?!”

Tuesday, July 18, 2006
02:50 PM