Dear Dr. Rentzsch

Dear Dr. Rentzsch,

As a carbohydrate addict, I’m mostly either jonesing or passed out. I have a hard time regulating my carb intake. I can only spoon sugar directly into my mouth for so long before I black out. On the other side, eating bread eventually fills me up, causing a wicked crash when I can’t eat any more. As a professional medical person with a completely nonfraudulent medical-type degree, what do you recommend?

—Dazed in Deerfield

Dear Dazed,

I’m glad you wrote — this is a common problem. The key is to consume something less potent than pure sugar, yet doesn’t fill you up. That way, like some purgatorial tenth circle of Hell, you can perpetually consume yet never achieve true satiation.

In less advanced times, pharmacists would start with granulated sugar, mixing in sawdust. While initially revulsive, it was discovered patients would rapidly enter the purgatorial state and cease being able to discern the flavor, the ends of their fingers and — eventually — the living from the dead.

Fortunately, in these modern times, we have Quaker Quakes. Covered by most medical plans, these small discs are manufactured with one purpose in mind: pure delight! While Quakes are unregulated in most states, I recommend initiating “treatment” while in the care of experienced medical personnel, in case your lucidity is compromised and Quake delivery is interrupted.

Your path is clear, Dazed. The only question is your level of treatment. While we have never met, I haven’t diagnosed you, and I could only be bothered to read the first two sentences of your letter, I’m confident you need the maximum Caramel Corn treatment level. That said, the weak and sickly would be better served by the Apple Cinnamon treatment level.

But you’re not weak, are you, Dazed?

—Dr. Rentzsch

Dear Dr. Rentzsch is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Dear Dr. Rentzsch, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Thursday, March 02, 2006
12:00 AM